There’s an amazing Crowded House song, from 1996, called Instinct. The first lines go, ” I lit the match, I lit the match, I saw another monster to turn to ash”……it’s up there for me as a favourite…..but……..

Imagine, it’s 3.45am on a Saturday morning, you wake up as it’s your natural instinct when your entire head, body, whatever, smells burning!

That’s what has just happened.

We live in a small, picturesque, olde skool fishing cottage. It’s far from huge, but it’s our home. We think it’s more like the Tardis, not that it looks like a police box from the outside, just that for us, it seems bigger once inside!

Anyways, you know that feeling you have when you are asleep, and something doesn’t feel right? Like in a dream when you are going for a pee, and your brain wakes you up demanding that you get out of your cozy bed and avert pissing yourself….or is that just me, now I’m getting into the prostate years of my body’s life?!

Well that’s just happened.

I woke up at stupid o’clock to find myself randomly breathing and sniffing the air. Now, our bedroom is normally full of joyous smells, as our 12 year old dog, Bruce, sleeps under our bed at night, and as you can imagne, being 12, and not giving a shit anymore, he farts all night and generally smells of death. And I’ll be honest, we fart in our sleeps, some right rippers, but who doesn’t?!!

So while sniffing I realise Magoo’s mom is awake and doing the same thing, she then realises I’m awake and copying her…not in a flattering way. Nearly simultaneously, we say it’s burning. But what is…..

It’s not in our room, even though there is a slight smell, so we both shoot out of bed, in an instinctive way, as we are parents. Bruce is awake and up and plodding in a concerned way with us.

The bathroom is clear, so as we both hurl into Magoo’s room, it becomes obvious its in there!

Ah fuckety……

He’s awake, as the power is also off in his room. Like I said, we live in an old cottage, so the wiring isn’t wired like a ‘normal’ house. Our ring main is for the left, and right side of the house, not the ground and first floor, like in more modern houses. So the left or right side of the house has blown, depending on which way you look at it, but either way, one side has blown.

So, we frantically clear him out of his room into ours, just incase anything is about to go boom, or catch fire.

But nothing.

We both check frantically, every plug socket, electrial lead, wire and device, and still nothing. No scorch marks or signs. Nothing.

His room is a tip now we have done the Mom and Dad thing.

Magoo’s mom goes and pops the ring main switch back on, while we both wait for something to blow up and go pop. I do the generic dad thing, and go to the loo. Nothing, not even my stomach goes pop!

So what the actual fuck is or was it?

The smell is now dispersing, as even though it’s now past 4am, the windows are all open to help get rid of that sickly sweet smell of melted wires/plastic and electrical burns.

But still nothing.

Then Magoo’s mom pops the heater back on, for a trial and error scenario…..nothing……then boom! Off it all goes again…….!

We have a winner…..!!!

The heater. Now, please, no judgement, no lectures. We’ve all done it.

Like I said, we live in an old house, and it does not have much heating. Magoo has an oil filled radiator in his room that plugs into a socket, to help take the edge of when it’s chilly.

And would you know it… was that! Magoo’s mom smells it, and she mentions that its the culprit as the smell is unbearable!

So that gets unplugged, safely, and placed into the back garden, to either stop being a shit, or to calm and cool down, before it is disposed of, properly.

So we have a winner, which in this case, is a lot better than getting a loser, as the consequences could have been alot worse.

They are now both back in bed, firmly tucked up and sleeping. Magoo’s room now has the window wide open to get rid of the strange, vile aroma, so he’s in our bed, on my side of the bed no less, but he’s safe. With Magoo’s mom. Safe, and that’s what matters.

I’ve opted to stay awake, just incase, as you never know.

I don’t want to turn to ash like the monster!

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